著名心理学家给一位同性倾向少年的回答：性倾向不可能被改变

　　爱白网讯 爱白网根据美国Human Rights Campaign(HRC)网站11月16日的最新资料，11月16日，美国康耐尔大学人类发展学系主任、知名心理学家Ritch Savin-Williams教授，作为HRC的特邀专家，回答了一位同性恋倾向少年的提问。Ritch Savin-Williams从事青少年性倾向研究长达30几年，他写作出版过好几部有关青少年同性倾向话题的专著，其中包括有名的《爸爸妈妈，我是同性恋》（Mom, Dad, I’m Gay）一书，该书第一版已于2001年1月由美国心理学协会（APA）出版。Savin-Williams教授也在美国心理学学会中担任职务，他还是美国一些学术机构和政府机构的成员或顾问，在相关学术领域有很高的知名度。

　　



（提问）
Ritch，你好，

　　我的父母最近发现了我是同性恋倾向。我今年16岁。

　　我与爸爸约好了时间专门讨论这件事，我想着这样可以帮助他们理解我。不幸的是，我们一开始谈话，爸爸就拿出一本詹姆斯-杜布森（爱白注：James Dobson，宗教保守组织Focus on the Family的首领）的书来，那本书里写着同性恋者可以改变自己的性倾向。

　　在整个谈话过程中，爸爸试图让我重新考虑自己的性倾向问题。他告诉我，由于社会上存在着排斥同性恋者的环境，我将因此有一种可怕的人生。他还说，男同性恋者大多会有多个伴侣什么的。因为我拿不出“证据”，他不相信我天生就是同性倾向。我只是希望他接受本来的我，但他坚持认为我是可以改变的。他要我去找一位信教的心理医生，看看我是否是同性恋。我真不知道该怎么办好了。

　　爸爸不相信我说的任何话，但他却是那么的相信杜布森博士。我完全不知所措了。我怎么样才能让爸爸明白他的态度做法是在伤害我呢？真心希望能得到您的建议。

　　非常感谢你。

　　　　　　　　　　John


（回答）

亲爱的John,

　　我感觉最明显的是，你的爸爸相信你可以改变自己的性倾向。简直是荒唐！杜布森的书里充满了不科学的东西，甚至可以说是谎言。那是关于宗教信仰的书，而不是科学。

　　作为科学工作者，我们已经知道，性倾向是无法被改变的——不错，你可以改变自己的性身份（你可以把自己标志为同性恋者、双性恋者，也可以不标志什么、或是存在疑问中、或是异性恋者，或者什么都不是）和性行为（是否发生、什么程度、与谁发生、或什么样的具体行为），但是，你基本的性倾向（性吸引、性幻想和欲望）是无法被改变的。关于这一点，我可以向你提供堆积如山的科学证据。但是，我估计，你爸爸不会相信这一点，尽管这是科学结论。他不相信，是因为他不愿意去相信。

　　所以，如果可能的话，放弃那些“讨论”吧，避免争执。只要表达出“那只是你的看法，我不同意”这样的意思就足够了。你需要做的，不是去说服他，而是，证明给他看他是错误的：你可以过你的美好生活，做一个快乐、成功和有爱的人。也许，你还可以向其他家人、亲友等寻求帮助。如果爸爸对你的爱是无条件的（这是身为父母的根本），他迟早会转过弯来的。你也许应该多等待一些时间，直到他意识到无法改变的一点：你仍然是他一直以来的可爱的儿子。

　　不要去见你爸爸所说的心理医生。你可以去和一位心理医生谈谈你的疑虑、你的生活和家庭。见心理医生通常会有帮助——但只建立在你与对方存在信任和愿意沟通的基础上。对方不应该让你对自己的性倾向产生罪恶感、也不应该试图改变你的倾向。在没有找到这样的交流者之前，不要着急。你爸爸会让你自己选择心理医生吗？你可以自己去寻找理解同性恋者的心理医生，医生不一定要是同性恋者（那样你爸爸很可能不会同意）。你也可以与就近的同性恋者团体联系，请他们帮助提供这方面的资料。或者，也可以与附近的心理健康机构联系。如果你与某所大学或医院的心理与咨询机构联系，他们也许会向你提供这方面的信息。

　　顺便说一下，令人乐观的是，最终大多数的父母都会理解和接受自己孩子的性倾向。这个过程可能要花几个月或者几年的时间，不过，爱最终会战胜一切

下面是原文

You Cannot Change Your Sexual Orientation

Q: Dear Ritch,

My parents recently found out that I am gay. I am a 16 years old.

My father and I set up a time to talk about it, which I thought would help them understand. Unfortunately, when we started talking my father pulled out a book by Dr. James Dobson that says that gays can change their sexuality.

For the entire conversation he tried to make me rethink my sexuality. He told me that I would have a horrible life because of the anti-gay atmosphere of society and that gay men supposedly have multiple partners. He doesn't believe that I was born this way because there is no "evidence." I want him to just accept me for who I am, but he insists that I can change. He wants me to go to a Christian psychiatrist to see if I am gay or not, and I really don't know what to do.

My father doesn't believe anything I say, yet he is so believing of Dr. Dobson. I am totally lost on what to do. How can I get him to realize that what he is doing is hurting me? Any advice would be appreciated.

Thank you so much,
John

A: Dear John,

What is most apparent to me is that your father wants to believe that you can change your sexuality. Science be damned! Dobson's book is filled with half-truths and what some might call lies. It is a book of religious beliefs and not science.

As scientists, we know that it is impossible to change your sexual orientation — yes, you can change your sexual identity (you can choose to label yourself gay, bisexual, unlabeled, questioning, straight or even nothing) and sexual behavior (whether to have it, how often, with whom and what activities) but you cannot change your basic sexual orientation (attractions, fantasies, desires). I could give you mountains of scientific evidence, but my guess is that your father will not believe it, regardless of its merit. He cannot believe it because he does not want to believe it.

So, if possible, back off these kinds of "discussions." Avoid arguments. Statements such as "That is your belief, but I do not share it," should be sufficient. It is not your job to convince him. Rather, your job is to demonstrate that he is wrong: You can have a great life and be happy, successful and loved. Perhaps to help you get there other family members, related and unrelated adults and friends will be more supportive and giving. If your father loves you unconditionally (which is supposed to be a basic tenet of parenting), then he will come around. You might have to wait awhile, perhaps until he realizes the inevitable: You are still the loving son you have always been.

Never agree to go to a therapist that he selects. You can agree to see a therapist to talk about your concerns, your life and your family. Seeing a therapist is often extremely helpful — but only if it is someone with whom you can connect with trust and communication. Someone who will not make you feel guilty about your sexuality or try to get you to change it. Feel free to shop around until you find this person. Will your father let you select your own therapist? You might ask others for a "gay positive" therapist, who does not need to be gay (as that would probably get a veto from your father). You might want to call a nearby gay organization and request the name of a "gay-positive" therapist. Or, you can make the same request from your local county mental health clinic or mental health association. If you call the psychology or counseling clinic of a local college or university, or even a hospital, they might know of a "gay-positive" therapist.

Here are some resources that I can recommend: